Let’s start from the bottom. How did this “3 dates before sex” rule get around? Who is the genius proponent of it and how did this expert deduce a mathematical formula to come up with this certain integer into a context that is essentially emotional?
The answer to these burning questions is a name: Tom Leykis. Leykis, a popular shock jock based in Los Angeles, lent love and sex advice to an audience whose demographic is predominantly male. His famous three date rule goes something like this: “If a woman won’t have sex with you after three dates, dump her. She’s not worth investing any more time in.”
Rachel Hills decoded this particular mantra for The Telegraph UK as “It’s likely that the three-date rule was invented to put guidelines around appropriate female sexual behavior; have sex on the first date, you’re a slut. Have sex after three, you’re respectable.”
On the other hand, Hugo Schwyzer of Huffpost chalked out a more sensible version of this rule: “By the third date with a prospective partner, one ought to feel free to initiate the ‘what are you looking for in a relationship’ conversation. If the initial answer is a bit evasive, something along the lines of ‘let’s just go slow and see how things develop,'” for someone who is actually looking for a stable relationship which they eventually want to settle down with, it is not too soon for them to bring up their expectations and talk about it with their partner. Hugo writes, “If the other person flinches at this point, that’s a fairly definitive sign that your goals are unlikely to be mutual”.
So, the real question remains, does this rule even apply in real life scenarios?
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If you remember, in “Band Baaja Baaraat”, Bittoo (Ranveer Singh) and Shruti (Anushka Sharma) did not even go on an official date. They were business partners, and a business success party got them laid with each other. And it was this very incident of having sex, made them realize their love for each other.
So, there cant be any rule to count the number of meets and then leap into it. A heated situation will not even give you scope for that! All you need to do is judge for yourself.
Is there a Relationship Rule-Book?
There is no relationship Bible telling you verse by verse what to do on your next date. However, human behavior has certain homogeneity and recurrent nature to it. When seen from a sociological and psychological point of view, men have always been assumed to be the ones who are afraid of commitment whereas women are seen to be the ones actively seeking it. Hence the rise of these dating “theories” and “rules”. But what is important is to identify the fact that irrespective of your gender or sexual orientation, the person you are seeing might not have the same goals or plans for future.
Communication is certainly the key but understanding when is the right time to bring it up is tricky. For some, five dates might be too early, for someone else, the first date is good enough. The number three seems to be kind of that in between where two people have developed enough comfort zone to open up these discussions, but not too much of attachment that they cannot part ways if their paths essentially look different.
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Do you think Nick and Amber in Salaam Namaste would have gone through that whole lot of drama post Amber’s decision to keep her baby that none of them saw coming, had they
a) been more cautious about using protection, and
b) talked about their future plans surrounding their relationship?
Sure, the plot progression of the movie would not have happened, but in real life, there is no certainty of resolution and a happy ending.
The bottom line is, if you realize you are that kind of a person who would inevitably land in a pool of emotional attachment after having sex with someone, then do not jump into the bandwagon of “getting laid” without having a proper conversation with yourself first, and with your partner second. If both of you feel you have developed enough intimacy to get physical just after the first date, then by all means, do it, but have the conversation first. It saves you the trouble of heartbreak and the unprecedented purchase of three pints of choc chip mint ice cream that you are going to eat all by yourself watching sloppy romcoms. The number is not the primary focus, the idea is.
So, if you are experienced in the field and would like to help our readers out, do comment your views and experiences below!